Sticking With Something

Sep. 26th, 2026 06:15 pm
adpazd: (Default)
[personal profile] adpazd
I'm usually one who gets super excited about starting something, going in completely and enthusiastically... And then quitting after a couple of weeks. House cleaning programs like Fly lady. Self betterment programs like 101 in 1001. Everything I seem to try, I can't sustain.

Until a friend introduced me to Finch.

I don't know what it is about this app, but I've only missed one day in 614. It feels like an accomplishment. I'm not nearly as gung ho as I was. At one point, I had around 70 tasks to do every day. Most of them are simple, but can be tough when I'm the throes of depression. Like "Get out of bed". In the beginning, I was doing all these tasks every day. When I found that I could change how often I did some of the tasks, I paired things down, put most of the writing related tasks (like "Ask a friend what good qualities they think you have") less regularly - once a week, once a month, etc. It changed from being a chore back to something fun.

I've had friends that have started Finch, some for awhile and others giving it up after a couple weeks. I like being able to share goals, give me some accountability. And it makes me smile when I send them gifts through the app. Especially when I get a gratitude message from them.

The problem is that Finch is great for my mental health but trying to get other responsibilities and things I want to do doesn't for as well. When I was younger, when the kids were younger, I had a weekly cleaning schedule that I kept. I made time to work on creative things. I was part of more communities. I played regular D&D. Now I'm having truffle scheduling anything and keeping to it

My therapist is helping me with this, though I haven't been working with him long. He's good at reminding me to take baby steps with things. It's teasing out the baby steps that's the hard part.

I'll get there. Eventually. I just have to remember one of the mantras I use. "Every step gets me closer to where I want to be, regardless of how small the step is."
ofearthandstars: A single tree underneath the stars (Default)
[personal profile] ofearthandstars
This is an (optional!) writing prompt for Week 1 of [community profile] therealljidol - Stuck Between Stations. This entry contains sensitive content. ( Read more... )

FridayFive: what if

Sep. 26th, 2026 01:17 pm
ofearthandstars: A single tree underneath the stars (Default)
[personal profile] ofearthandstars
From [community profile] thefridayfive (but late answers, per usual):

1. If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?
I think I'm inclined here to say survivalist, but in a sustainable way - my gardening/mending/repairing/building/foraging/growing skills could all use a boost.

2. If you could do anything in the world as your career, what would you do?
If I could go back in time, I would have done more to orient myself towards climate modeling, communicating risks, and mitigation policy, but I don't know. I am where I am right now, and I'm trying to hold out hope that I'll end up in the right place as I get to answer the big three better. (The big three being: (1) What are you good at/what are your skill? (2) what is the work that needs doing? and (3) what brings you joy?)

3. If you could be immortal, what age would you choose to stop aging at and why?
I'd say sometime between 28-33, before things really started to hurt and I started feeling more tired.

4. If you could be any supernatural creature, what would you be and why?
I guess I'd probably go with dryad.

5. If you had to teach a class on one thing, what would you teach?
Well, I could teach about the Clean Air Act, or climate and policy/regulation in general, but I think probably 5 people might show up. Beyond that, I could teach a class on how to have big feelings and finding places to put them that don't harm others.

I attended a local writer's group today and the speaker, from a local "traditional" publishing house, was such an absolutely fantastic presenter - speaking to looking at writing from a publishing and reader's standpoint, and answering all the room's questions with such passion and encouragement. I'm really glad I took the time to go, even though it did carve 3 hours out of an already busy day. Now to clean house and prep for next week's trip!

clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 The poll is still active: therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229460.html
So make sure to be reading, commenting and VOTING for your favorites! 

The optional prompt is also out there for anyone wanting to use it/have something extra to read and comment on, even if there is no voting! therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229917.html

I managed to see five movies yesterday. The first two I was actually the only person in the theater, and the third I was one of two people! Granted, these were at the AMC during regular work hours. But considering that one of those only had a single showing every day (Hello Beautiful) I suspect that it wont be in theaters long. 

I forgot that because of the holiday, I wasn't getting overtime for anything over 40, I received comp time! I was actually just looking at that the other day wondering where it came from. Now that I've seen my overtime check, I know now! :D 

Monday's plans are now up in the air. But regardless of what I end up doing on the actual day, it will still be a nice weekend celebration with the movie/show tomorrow.  It does end up solving some of the "how am I going to fit this stuff in/what should I do about the cake" nonsense though! These things have a way of working themselves out. 


   ***

That "Season 5" question has led me down a far bigger rabbit hole than I was expecting. I think I mentioned part of it as an aside, but I'd forgotten how much of a thing it had been in the moment.  That Sidebar should be interesting. 

***

Back to the movies though - those first 3 movies all had me crying toward the end ("Tears of joy"). Hello Beautiful, Ha-Chan, Shake Your Booty and You Had To Be There. (OK, the tears on that last one was when they were remembering the force of nature that was Gilda Radner). 

Granted, it could be because I'm really emotional right now!


When was the last time a movie. show, emotionally manipulated commercial, had you crying tears of joy? 

New Music Friday - Chvrches return!

Sep. 26th, 2026 01:24 am
singedsun: cate blanchett in a pink suit and sunglasses (Default)
[personal profile] singedsun
If you were in the party of people that was excited about the CHVRCHES teaser that dropped last week, your wishes have been granted. A lyric video for their new song, "Roses" came out this week. It's moody and good and made me so excited for what they've got up their sleeves in the near future. Hopefully more to come soon.


I don't know if before I took my break from New Music posts, I introduced folks to Spencer Sutherland, but if not it was a HUGE oversight on my part. If you're a fan of dramatic pop, theater kids, a voice like Freddie Mercury, an androgenously dressed man, Spencer's your guy. This isn't brand, brand new, but this video is recent for one of his newer songs, "Somebody's Gonna Love Me". Basically if you're a fan of Queen or like ELO, you'll most likely like Spencer. 

Last year a friend of mine that I introduced to Spencer's music when to see him live in concert with me here in Kansas City, and boy howdy does this man know how to make an entrance. It was an incredibly fun show. 

Lastly let me share this awesome bluesy, kinda country rock band with a black front man, Ghost Hounds. Their new song "Pale Horse" is simple, but this video is aesthetic as fuck. He's got a wonderful soulful voice but with a bit of that gritty country twang. If you want some toe-tapping for the day death approaches, this is your song.

 
Honorable Mentions:

Not a song -- But, if you're a fan of the band The Warning (you should be - sisters from Mexico in a metal band! and they're very good), they were recently on an episode of Last Meals. It's a good watch if you like those kinds of interview shows.

I'm also going to cheat a little and share this live video from one of my absolute new favorite bands of the last two years, Boys Go to Jupiter. They're are such young, fun rock band and watching their live performances is always a good time. They're still making a name for themselves so I might not get to see them any time soon, but I really hope they get a big break soon. Anyway, watch Tiltawhirl. 

I figured I'd carry on the theme of women empowerment songs with amazingly aesthetic and slightly (or more than slightly) sapphic videos. This week's is the Brazilian artist Alexia Evellyn's Stand In Your Power

Last one, I had to actually edit this post because I loved it so much I needed to share. Wé Ani has been making some really powerful soulful ballads and this one for Burn that Bridge is amazing. 

What were you listening to this week? Anything new? Old? Anything on repeat?
 
adpazd: (Default)
[personal profile] adpazd
... But getting my laptop out is more than I can do today. Last night, every single muscle group in my body decided to seize up. All of them. Which meant sleep was iffy.

I'd had plans to dive into some cleaning today but I'm hurting. Primarily my hips through my calves with a little bleed over into my back. It's bad enough that I had to use Daddy's cane to get out to the porch. I've been dealing with the pain off and on for the last couple of weeks, but never as bad as today or last night.

Thankfully, I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I didn't remember what is originally made it for... A check up with my doctor, probably. But I'm going to mention the muscle tightness and spasms, the balance issues I'm having again, and the knee and ankle pain. I've had my doctor as my PCP for over 20 years, so she's seen and heard all that my body has done over the years. This probably won't surprise her.

Last night I reached out to my FWB (that's a FWOB at the moment until some of his shit is taken care of). He's a roadie for several companies here in Nashville so I figured he was busy with it, but also figured I should check in with him. Things are looking up for him. He's making steady money which will help get him through the lean months, and he's union now which gets him much needed health insurance. We chatted for a bit. He's also my movie buddy but between his schedule at work and my various trips, I'm not sure what movie we'll see next.

Instead of losing myself in the computer, I'm going to lose myself in reading. When I was at the library last weekend, I picked up several books. It's the first time in a long time that I went print instead of audio. I'm currently reading The London Séance Society by Sarah Penner and it's just the kind of thing I need right now - murder, 19th century Spiritualism, sapphic characters.... And I'm getting to use my pretty new metal Pisces bookmark.

I know I've got some replies that I want to make, but I think for now I'm going to set my phone aside, pick up my book, and enjoy the warm sunshine on my legs.

The Friday Five for 25 September 2026

Sep. 25th, 2026 02:05 am
anais_pf: (Default)
[personal profile] anais_pf posting in [community profile] thefridayfive
1. If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?

2. If you could do anything in the world as your career, what would you do?

3. If you could be immortal, what age would you choose to stop aging at and why?

4. If you could be any supernatural creature, what would you be and why?

5. If you had to teach a class on one thing, what would you teach?

Copy and paste to your own journal, then reply to this post with a link to your answers. If your journal is private or friends-only, you can post your full answers in the comments below.

If you'd like to suggest questions for a future Friday Five, then do so on DreamWidth or LiveJournal. Old sets that were used have been deleted, so we encourage you to suggest some more!

Green Room - Week 1 - Day 11

Sep. 25th, 2026 01:22 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 Obviously this is still very early. We haven't had an elimination and nearly everyone is still in the "I'm just happy to be here" mode. Including me. 

But while we are here, and feeling this way, I just wanted to say "Thank You".. Not just for coming out, although yeah, that has meant a great deal to me. But also for loving Idol in general. (Or for those newbies, taking the chance on Idol!) 

For those playing "Gary: The Home Game", this is the first year in a few that I'm not approaching my birthday wishing that I was dead. Which might be more real talk than anyone wanted, but is also the truth. Idol is just a part of that, but between my insomnia and Idol, that was the bulk of my last therapy session.  (I'm sure Idol will find a way to make it into most of the ones from now until the end! Hopefully in good ways!) 

Getting to Year 20 has been a goal post for me during the dark parts, and I'm not entirely sure what will happen after that is complete. But being here, with all of you, I just have to make sure you know just how much this means to me. 

Don't worry, I'll put the "I'm going to kick all your damn hippies/get off my lawn" face again. But I'm really feeling that gratitude tonight and I wanted to make sure to express it. 

***

Our first poll is happening, so please get out there and read, comment and vote for your favorites! Make sure to spread some love!  And tell your friends about what great stuff they are missing out on, and encourage them to come over to read some of it for themselves!  Idol has survived for 20 years by word of mouth! So do your part to keep that tradition going! therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229460.html

T
here is also a non-mandatory prompt out there for the people who were going stir crazy having to wait until Tuesday for the next regular prompt! I wanted to make sure you had something to do!  therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229917.html


*
**
For real though. I'm really happy to see all of you here. Except you.  You know who you are.  (No, the other one. The one standing behind... it doesn't matter... like I said, you know who you are! ;)   ) 

I hope this is a great season. From the Week 1 entries to the comments in the Green Room, it feels like we're off to a good start! 

Green Room - Week 1 - Day 10

Sep. 24th, 2026 06:43 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 The most important thing going on right now is the poll for Week 1! therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229460.html

T
echnically speaking, the most important thing is my birthday. But in the context of things you need to keep on your radar... nope. still my birthday. Hmmm... in the context of things that immediately matter to... nope. Still my birthday! 

The most important thing going on that will be eliminating someone... nope. Birthday. 

The SECOND most important thing going on is the poll.  Make sure to read, comment and vote for your favorites! If anything (non-birthday) matters, that's it! Show them some love!

For people who want a little extra though, there is an EXTRA, non-mandatory prompt happening: therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229917.html

It's just a little something from the Idol archives. Until I saw it listed on my master list of every Idol prompt, I'd completely forgotten about it!  


***

It's the start of a new "movie week", so I figured I'd list the ones I'm excited about, or at least vaguely interested in. Maybe you will be as well: 

I still haven't seen Resident Evil but I keep hearing really good things about it. MAYBE I'll see it, as early as I can during the day and watch at least 3 more movies afterward.  :D
Also still haven't seen Runner. So-so reviews. If I miss it until it comes out on streaming, no huge loss. 

(Speaking of streaming - I had to renew Paramount Plus in order to watch Survivor. My antenna can't pick up CBS. Addiction over personal ethics apparently. Not a proud moment.  But I DID notice that TUNER is streaming.  That wasn't in theaters for very long, but it was the last movie I watched at AMC before I got the A List. It convinced me to do it, so I could see more movies like that!  It didn't get a lot of press, but it's really good. Planning on watching it again.) 

But back to looking at the AMC showtimes and then moving over to the Sun-Ray listing to talk about movies *actually in theaters right now*: 

The Avengers Endgame: Encore  - It's back in theaters in preparation for Doomsday. I want to see it on the big screen again!
Primetime - OMG I've been waiting for this one since I saw the trailer! The story behind "To Catch a Predator". When did Robert Pattinson become such a good actor??? Was I sleeping on those Twilight movies???? Let me know. 
Heart of the Beast - Feel good movie of the late Summer/early Fall.  Brad Pitt's "Love Between a Man and his Dog" (but not in the FBI way)  adventure story. 

Charlie Harper  - I don't remember much about this trailer, just that I made a mental note that it looked good.
The Stunt Driver - this looks great!
Ha-Chan, Shake Your Booty!  - see above. 
You Had to Be There: How the Toronto Godspell Ignited the Comedy Revolution, Spread Love & Overalls - This is literally only showing at one AMC location. one showing a day.  I'm cutting and pasting the description though, because I didn't know this story, and maybe you didn't either: 
Martin Short, Eugene Levy, Gilda Radner, Victor Garber, Paul Shaffer, and other entertainment icons got their start in a 1972 Toronto production of the musical Godspell. Featuring interviews with the surviving cast members, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Mike Myers, and more, the film recounts a pivotal moment in comedy history, in hilarious, moving, and inspiring detail. Executive produced by Judd Apatow.

Hello Beautiful - Not me hitting on you. It's the name of a movie.  ;) 
The History of Concrete - I'm unreasonably exited about this, and I've never seen John Wilson's show. (How To, With John Wilson) 
9 to 5: Back in select theaters on 9/25. (see what they did there?)
The Hole Truth and Nothing Butt - a documentary about the band the Butthole Surfers!
The Changeover System: A Projection Performance Installation - obviously this is at Sun-Ray. Way too artisty for AMC. It might be cool though. 

Matewan - The John Sayles movie from 1987 about the coal miners work stoppage of the 1920s. Will Oldham (Bonnie Prince Billy) is in it and will be doing a Q&A a few hours before this show that evening!)  I've had tickets for this since July.

Movies that are still out that might be worth your time but I'm NOT planning on seeing over the next week: 
If I Go, Will They Miss me
Buddy 
Don't Look Back in Anger
Practical Magic 2 
Hope 
Coyote vs Acme
Spider-Man: Brand New Day 
The Odyssey - yes, that's STILL out, and if you haven't seen it on the big screen, you should. 
The Weight
The Uprising

Have you seen any of these? Looking forward to any of them?  Other movies on your radar, but not mine? (Forgotten Island and the new Shaun the Sheep look like they might be fun.) 

***

What's going on with you? 

What are some of your favorite entries this week - from writers you've NEVER READ BEFORE? (they could be newbies or veterans from seasons you weren't in/don't remember!) 

I'll admit there's a newbie that I'm SUPER EXCITED about, to a ridiculous level. :D  I may actually write a Sidebar about her and some of her associates after the poll closes.  (Spoiler: She was the second ever IDOL BABY, born to a contestant who was actively playing Idol at the time! Second one born of that line. Second one to join a regular season of Idol. KFP was the first to join, as a little kid as part of Idol Minor, the kid's edition and then later a regular season. Hoping he will come back at some point!)  Late signup, so she wasn't in the poll, but she still wrote an entry! ) 





Prompt - Week 1 EXTRA/Non-Mandatory

Sep. 24th, 2026 05:28 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 I was considering if I should put another prompt out there. No poll. 

Maybe with a Sidebar element to it.  But then I was thinking "Maybe I should just start Week 2, while Week 1 poll is still up".  There IS precedent for that. 

Followed of course by "or just leave everything like it is Gary.  You really need to be asleep! Not trying to make these decisions!" 

Ah, you're right voice in my head. I shouldn't be making these decisions! 
*looks over to the Wheel of Chaos*

  I spin it.  It lands on 1. So the first option. A non mandatory prompt, 


Idol Musings. (the first book) was a huge volume of some of the best entries from the first few seasons of LJ Idol. 

Idol Meanderings, the second volume, had that - plus some brand new, never before seen entries that were ONLY available in this volume!! 

I sent out 3 possible prompts that were never used before, or since. 

Taking a look at them, they all appear to be song titles!  :D 

This one was from the Hold Steady. 

Stuck Between Stations 

The non-mandatory and it doesn't count for/against anything deadline for this entry is the same as the poll:  therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229460.html

Tuesday Sept 29th at 7pm ET. 

Have fun!

(it may not be mandatory, BUT only post your links here. Comments should go to the Green Room and/or the entries themselves!) 
adpazd: (Default)
[personal profile] adpazd
Last night, when I was sitting here on the porch playing my computer game, one of my neighbors came home. I've seen her a few times, saying hi or giving a smile and nod. But she asked me if I wanted some flowers. She's a florist and brought some of the flowers home. She said she sees me sitting out here regularly and thought I might like them. We chatted a bit and she's a really sweet girl. She also loves my flags and the stickers on my car. It was something I needed for an even better night.

The flowers that I got from my neighbor

Today, I'm sitting out on the porch again. It's so beautifully cool outside. I don't even need to put my fan on. I'm taking time to do some writing again (this here, actually). I shared the poll with a few friends/communities that I'm part of. Hubby is out getting the Birthday Boy his special lunch as well as lunch for the rest of us. Taco Bell. Not my favorite, but it's the one time I eat it without asking for another stop somewhere else. I'm taking bets on how many of the twelve-pack of tacos he'll have finished for lunch and how few will be left for dinner.

I got a bluetooth wireless speaker for outside on the porch. It's fairly powerful so I need to be careful about not having it up too loud. I love to listen to music or audio books when I'm sitting on the porch. I've chosen a YouTube Music mix that it made for me called "Theatrical Storytelling" - songs from musicals or movies that tell part of the story. I love musicals, though I don't get out to see them nearly as often as I'd like. Having this playlist gives me a list of the next musicals I need to see. (I've never seen the stage version of Wicked so that's at the top of my list. Hadestown is another one.) I'm also listening to the faint tinkle of the wind hitting my agate windchimes. They've faded so much in the last two years. But they still sound beautiful. And that's what matters most.

I smell rain on the air. I hope so. I love watching the rain if I don't have to go out into it. And I've got enough of a lip from the balcony above me that I can sit safely here with my laptop and enjoy the weather. The only thing missing (aside from the rain yet) is a vodka and Dr Pepper.

In Case You Didn't See It

Sep. 23rd, 2026 11:33 am
adpazd: (Default)
[personal profile] adpazd
The poll is up for LJ Idol, week one. If you liked my entry for the open topic, please consider voting for me.

Green Room - Week 1 - Day 9

Sep. 23rd, 2026 07:29 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
The first week doesn't really end, it just gains a poll!   therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1229460.html

Hopefully it's more of a positive "We have more time to read and vote" and less "grumble grumble where's the next prompt?" I'm sure there will be some of both of course! If you really want something to write though, write me something for my birthday! :) It's not an official prompt, or nor will it get it's own post. I think the only time I've ever done anything remotely like that is for Cynthia's birthday the first year we were together! So, why not do it for myself as well?

After that, I will put my name on all of your buildings!

        ***
There may be a few weeks like this between now and the end of the year. Where I know I won't be around to properly open/close the poll and make announcements, so I'll adjust the time. Hopefully it will result in more "longer weeks" than shorter ones.  To be candid, if I were to have this close before my birthday instead of the day after it, when I knew for a fact I'd be near a computer, it would probably be closing Friday afternoon.  Which, for a Week 1, is pretty short window. 

     ***

I just remembered hearing someone say the phrase "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire" the other day.  My first instinct was to look around to see if my Grandfather was nearby. But he was not.  

This, of course, like it should do, led me to looking up how effective urine actually is to putting out fires. Which led me to this article firefighternow.com/is-urine-pee-flammable/, which is more about if urine is actually flammable, but also covers the effectiveness of urine in extinguishing fires. (Spoiler: it would work in a pinch for a very small fire.  So if a person was on fire, it probably wouldn't do very much to pee on them regardless of your personal feelings on their general existence.) 

Keep in mind that this guy is a trained firefighter, who took over from another firefighter, to run a website dedicated to helping other people become firefighters - and he took the time to write an article about "can my urine catch fire?"  *salutes* This is the America that we to experience more often. 

I did NOT however see how effective it is to "piss up a rope". I have my guesses, but I'd rather trust an expert on the subject. Maybe there's a rope maker with a website somewhere. Or a urologist. Or an urologist who makes rope in their spare time. Or even better, a ropemaker who is an urologist in their spare time!! 

      ***

What rabbit holes have you gone down lately and has a young British girl in a blue and white dress followed you despite you rather pointedly telling her that you were late and didn't have time for this sort of thing? 




Vote - Week 1

Sep. 22nd, 2026 10:58 pm
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
A few words from [personal profile] clauderainsrm:

It’s been 20 Years of LJ Idol and the halls have been filled with stories of times past, reunions and the forging of new friendships. It’s been absolutely great to see.

But today we start forging what THIS season is going to look like!

Take a look around. One of these people is the next LJ Idol winner. The rest of you are, at some point, going to be eliminated. That’s just the nature of the game. But you know what else is “the nature of the game”? Having fun while you are here, reading entries from talented writers and forging those relationships along the way. Oh, and of course, being kicked. My contract specifies that I need to remind you about the kickings. :)


It’s Week 1, so there is only going to be 1 person leaving us this time around. Which is the sort of thing that toward the end of the season people start grumbling with “More people should have left early on! This thing is taking forever!!” But seriously, it’s hard enough losing someone at this stage. Because we are just getting started, and someone has to go. It’s an unlucky break.

I have said though that the first 3 contestants (at least) eliminated will have a special role in this early stage of the season, impacting how it plays out. But let’s be honest, no one wants that. They want to stay in this and see how it plays out with prompts every week!

So, let’s get to it!

As I said, the contestant with the fewest votes will be eliminated.

Which means it’s up to YOU to Read, Comment and Vote for your favorites to stick around another week!!

(You can vote for as many entries as you feel like supporting. Putting that out there for the newbies)

It’s an extra-long time for a poll because it’s my birthday weekend and it was either going to be extra long, or very short. I opted for giving you more time to read!

The poll will be closing Tuesday Sept 29th at 7pm ET.

Good luck to everyone!


There was a late sign-up and this entry didn't make the poll (the bye still counts) but I would hate for anyone to miss it: https://prettybxrbiee.dreamwidth.org/614.html

The CORRECT link for [personal profile] ofearthandstars  is   https://ofearthandstars.dreamwidth.org/239230.html Obviously she will be not eligible for elimination due to this mistake. 
Poll #35107 ’Year20Week1’
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: Just the Poll Creator, participants: 64

Vote For Your Favorites!

[personal profile] acatwhowrites's entry
15 (23.4%)

[personal profile] adoptedwriter's entry
15 (23.4%)

[personal profile] adore's entry
14 (21.9%)

[personal profile] adpazd's entry
20 (31.2%)

[personal profile] alycewilson's entry
19 (29.7%)

[personal profile] annofowlshire's entry
20 (31.2%)

[personal profile] ashelterofpages's entry
18 (28.1%)

[personal profile] banana_galaxy's entry
15 (23.4%)

[personal profile] banyans_in_nola's entry
17 (26.6%)

[personal profile] bassicallytom's entry
12 (18.8%)

[personal profile] belgatherial's entry
15 (23.4%)

[personal profile] bittyjane's entry
16 (25.0%)

[personal profile] bleodswean's entry
18 (28.1%)

[personal profile] blue_mermaid's entry
12 (18.8%)

[personal profile] bsgsix's entry
22 (34.4%)

[personal profile] chasing_silver's entry
19 (29.7%)

[personal profile] commodityfetishx's entry
12 (18.8%)

[personal profile] connie's entry
16 (25.0%)

[personal profile] copyright1983's entry
18 (28.1%)

[personal profile] definitelyodette's entry
17 (26.6%)

[personal profile] dizzydog's entry
21 (32.8%)

[personal profile] dmsj's entry
11 (17.2%)

[personal profile] dreamer_or_not21's entry
9 (14.1%)

[personal profile] drippedonpaper's entry
23 (35.9%)

[profile] emo_snal's entry
16 (25.0%)

[personal profile] eeyore_grrl's entry
15 (23.4%)

[personal profile] essoku's entry
19 (29.7%)

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Thoughts on 18

Sep. 22nd, 2026 05:21 pm
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[personal profile] adpazd
As of tomorrow, there will be no children left in my home. BtY is turning 18.

I'm having a hard time with that thought. I think some of it is because, emotionally, he's about two years behind his physical age. He's starting to take on responsibility and understanding more like a 16 year old than an 18 year old. So for all that my brain acknowledges that he's going to be 18, my heart says, "No! He's my baby! He's not old enough to be considered an adult!"

We found out that BtY was on the autism wheel in the strangest way. In his Parents Day Out class, he was acting out, acting younger than his age. It was suggested that we bring him to someone for testing. And what we found, through Pediatric Rehab, was that he had Sensory Perception Disorder. (For those unfamiliar, it's a processing disorder where your brain doesn't accurately keep track of where you are in space, where you're more or less sensitive to textures... that kind of thing.) We took him to a local program called Regional Intervention Program, or RIP. It was to help both young children (think before school age) and their parents navigate behavior issues. I got a lot more out of it than BtY did. But I wouldn't trade that time for anything else.

When he started kindergarten, I already had his IEP in place. I'd requested DtE's teacher from kindergarten because I already had a report with her, and BtY knew her. She was great working with me to meet him where he could be. (All his teachers have been. I've been very lucky with the teachers my kids have had.) We found out that he had ADHD when he stabbed a classmate with a pencil. He didn't do it out of anger or to be mean. He just didn't yet have the capacity to pause before every action to decide if it was a good one. He was suspended for a day because of it (even though the principal understood, her hands were tied on this.) But we got him meds and things were a bit better.

It wasn't until his three year reevaluation for his IEP that Autism was even a thought. The school psychologist had to meet with him and, when we had the meeting, suggested we have him tested. She said she couldn't officially say that he was Autistic, she would lay odds that he was. She had difficulty getting him to engage (this was around his 9th birthday, and she tried to engage him with talk about his birthday), he refused to make eye contact... just a lot of little things.

We we able to get the diagnosis, partly through a study at Vanderbilt that dealt with ASD in children. They were looking at how pre-teens and teens handled going through puberty. And an advantage was they officially tested him. And learning more about it, I realize that I was probably neurodivergent as well. A lot of the things he'd do were the same I'd done as a child, before I learned how to handle things. But it gave us a place to start and it let us get accommodations for him. Sometimes officially, like being able to test alone in a room so he could fidget as he needed, sometimes unofficially, like his teachers that would let him sit under a table during class because he needed to be small.

For all of that, I still made a lot of mistakes with him. I let my anger get the better of me. I didn't accept that I needed to keep a closer eye on him to get things done than I'd ever had to with his sister. I over-punished. I apologized to him a lot, and tried to find a common ground. I just could never quite get there.

For the last year or two, I've noticed so much growth in him. Not "Hey, he can go live on his own any day now" (Hell, my 20 year old isn't there yet.) But he's starting to talk to me more. He's coming in to give me random hugs, which he never used to do. He's recognizing that he's got chores and that getting them done helps the whole family - and gets him allowance money. He's still struggling with getting school-work done. He's got a real aversion to asking for help or telling someone that he doesn't understand. But he's getting better with that too. He'll tell Hubby or DtE or I when he's having trouble with one of his assignments and we try to help him. (Though there are a lot of times when I have to remember "help" not "do for".) He just came out a little while ago to sweep the porch. Not for any real reason, though he said it was because his head hurt. Don't ask me, I don't always understand my kid! :)

So tomorrow, he's going to officially be an adult. Which means some phone calls to get him accounts on things that I had access to before but won't have access to once he's an adult. And he'll have the day to do what he wants - there are no live lessons because of professional development days. He still needs to do work, but he told me today that he was going to work hard on his work today so he didn't have as much for tomorrow. (The maturity, it comes!) And he'll get his box of tacos as his birthday dinner.

One of the joys of SPD and ASD is the limited pallet that he's got. It's gotten better over the years. It used to be only chicken nugget happy meals with chocolate milk. (And drinking lots of chocolate milk at home.) Over the years, he's tried new things and found that he enjoys them. Things like tacos without lettuce at Taco Bell, or his dad's tacos. And carrots. He'll eat a whole bag if given the chance. He used to like apples, but not so much anymore.

I'm so glad to see him continuing to grow. I'm glad that he's reaching adulthood without me ending up in jail or insane. But there's still the part of me that remembers him as my baby, my little Cranky Tomato. And yeah, he'll always be my baby. But somehow... this just feels different.

LJ Idol - Week 1 (Open Topic)

Sep. 22nd, 2026 06:01 pm
goldmourn: (Default)
[personal profile] goldmourn
Where were you?

I didn't realize I had typed that as my first sentence until I looked away from my laptop for a moment - turned back and saw that question looking right at me. Where was I?

Enough happened in the past few years that I started to forget things that happened more recently. It's that feeling of walking into a room and forgetting what you went there for except behind you there is a blood stain on the floor covered up by cardboard and you want to move it so that you can see but if you look at it you won't keep going and you leave the room and forget what you were going to do.

I was here the whole time.

Eventually you live long enough that you figure you may as well keep going. If you didn't follow through during the Plath years, there's no use giving up now. In the back of your mind you remember Woolf and the rocks in her pockets but you try not to mention it so that people won't catch on why you want to live near the lake. You promise yourself you'll leave the most beautiful letter. You don't feel like you can write one so you keep your stones in a crescent moon dish and wonder if anyone will notice that your pockets will have regular rocks mixed in with some crystals and isn't that the way it is really - some get more shine, more value placed on them, more love - they'll all fit the pocket in the end.

Where were you?

If you keep diaries and journals for most of your life (even sporadically) you can narrow down how few moments you actually get with some people in a lifetime - especially after they're dead. All those years are suctioned into a most finite experience - if even that - and it could put a certain slant of perspective on it all or be as the piece of trash caught up in a gust - noticed absence of some beautiful musical score. It's sometimes just like that. You might wonder what it was all for.

I was right here.

fight / flight / freeze / appease (fawn) / shutdown (dissociation) : all of these you know in some way from your earliest memories and throughout your life. Now you are the parent of your self. Will you learn how to help your inner child feel safe, heard and loved? Look into your own eyes and say: I love you. Can you do it? Can you feel it when you say it? You wrote twenty years ago that no one's coming to save you. Do you believe it now? Twenty years later, you better learn how to save yourself. You will, won't you? For her? If you can't do it for yourself, can you do it for her? It wasn't her fault. It wasn't yours. But today is on you. What are you doing to do?

Where were you?

You shut yourself away feeling too soft for the world. Soft as in tender to the touch, like the walk by brush of an arm against you with sidewalk pace that could send you to the ground. So you stayed up in the now netted cage balcony view apartment. As if that could save you from feeling it all. Your book nook has books on books on books - a personal library the younger self would have wept to see - and now your tarot decks are lined there too - all speaking to you - READ READ READ! Read the stories. Read the poems! Read the journals of your life! Surrounded by communication tools, you decline the invitations to see a movie or the opera, to go for a coffee or a walk. You decline the presence of other people while allowing strangers to access you online through video games. You're a streamer now. Energy pulls on you while you sit there in your nightgown, in the monitor glow. "Go outside and touch grass," some will say. You glance over at the city skyline through the window and your chest vibrates like the controller in your hand. Soon. But.

I’m still here.




This is a post for LJ Idol, Week 1.
Vote for me and others over here in the poll for Vote - Week 1.

Week 1: Open Topic

Sep. 22nd, 2026 03:02 pm
alycewilson: Photo of me after a workout, flexing a bicep (Default)
[personal profile] alycewilson
This is my entry for this week of LJ Idol, Season 20. This week was an Open Topic, where we could write about anything.

Broken Spoon

Thumb-worn, edges cloaked in dark patina
snapped just above the handle, separating
the maker's mark in two. Engraved
with an ancestor's initials, tucked
safely into felt and secreted away.

What heavy lifting I ask of a spoon,
to serve as metaphor
for my father, laid low by earaches,
confusion, kidney issues --
a litany of symptoms that he,
a doctor for 50 years,
chose to cloak.

As we piece together truth
in my father's wake -- how much
pain he hid from us, or simply
minimized -- we recover
such precious, imperfect treasures, like
his nasal laugh
his sunny outlook
his penlight tucked into a breast pocket
his penchant for hats

What are we to do with such
trinkets? Wrap them softly,
tuck them away, or share them
as broadly as possible? Let them
get tarnished with use,
an endless patter of cheerful talk.

An antique spoon, broken in half

Green Room - Week 1 - Day 8

Sep. 22nd, 2026 12:09 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 For the newbies, and veterans who are relearning everything as we get going most weeks aren't going to be as long as this one has been/is going to be.  Everyone needs time to get up to speed though. 

I just realized that for people who don't know this "Week" not even starting the poll until Day 8 is probably kind of weird.  :) 

Hopefully a few more people will use this time to sign up: therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1219874.html     and everyone else will use the time to make sure they have their entries in! https://therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1224892.html

After all, right now we still have 30 people or so who haven't posted yet! Which is another reason (if you are already done and are waiting) it's good to read ahead, That way you are ready for those 30+ entries when they come in! 

      ***

This should probably be a Sidenote, but it's just going to be a "remember when?"  The polls were bigger than LJ polls would allow, so I had to break them up into smaller groupings. The FIRST time this happened was a complete surprise and I had to scramble to figure out how to do that. I immediately came up with the idea of "Tribes", and person from each of them was going to be eliminated.  The next version of that involved the lowest vote-getters for the first round (that survived the poll) becoming the "Team Captain" to select who they wanted in a schoolyard pick. That way the "less powerful" ended up having the most influence in that moment and, in theory, could gain some goodwill and/or more attention. 

My favorite version of the tribes though is when I was getting frustrated with all the last minute entries! So I put something in place that used the tribe format that also helped in that capacity. I gave the first "tribe" to have ALL their entries posted IMMUNITY for that week. None of them were being eliminated.  :D   I've got to say that for the time it lasted, people were actually posting their writing much sooner on average.  :)  Of course that also put the people on tribes with one of our famed "last minute" posters at a disadvantage. But it was an interesting experiment, from my perspective. 

I'll probably talk about more of that stuff at some point. But I was just thinking about it. 

***

Speaking of polls, there are going to be additions, changes and in general some bumps especially for the first few polls. I appreciate your patience. I'll get them posted as soon as I can. 

*** 

I did make a promise to a long time supporter that unlike in the past (when I'd only do it a few times a season, I would post more reminders about the Patreon! But I won't do that while a poll is up. So again, here is the link for anyone who wants it and for those who don't, please keep scrolling. Cut and pasted from the FAQ.  

"I DO have a Patreon  https://www.patreon.com/c/u70027  Rewards have varied over the years, the one right now is feeling good about yourself AND exemption from being attacked by the mostly trained rabid pack of wolves that has been known to wander through Dreamwidth. Also invisibility to bears.  (Note: That last one has not been tested)  


If you want to drop something in the hat before, during or after the season - my email is clauderainsrm@gmail.com you can use that in PayPal/Venmo/Cash App/Zelle.  The rewards for that are pretty similar to the Patreon ones.  Except you are ONLY safe from bears riding unicycles wearing little pointy clown hats. "


And yes, it is pretty weird that other people are more invested in reminding people of the various ways to support keeping Idol going. But probably not all that surprising. I'm pretty bad about that sort of thing! If I promise someone something though, I try my best to do it. Which is why they made me actually promise them.  :) 





    ***

How is your week going? I'm up far too late again. I left work early. Came back to the apartment and immediately went to sleep for 4 1/2 hours. Woke up, had a salad, watched Lanterns,, logged on to read some of that Idol history I'd been asked to check out, and then logged back onto work for a couple hours. Now this, and very soon, hopefully more going to bed until I have to get up to repeat the process! 

LJI20 Week 1: Open Topic

Sep. 21st, 2026 07:35 pm
copyright1983: (Default)
[personal profile] copyright1983
I can't tell you when the words that haunt me were spoken, because I wasn't in the room to hear them.

I can only tell you where I was when they were spoken to me.

I can also tell you that I was sixteen, and you will soon understand why that detail is what I remember.

*****

Dad and I were driving back after dropping Stacey at her place. It must have been a Thursday, because that was the day we worked on the school newspaper. (Keep in mind, though, that we had a high school of 75 students, and three of us juniors had somehow conjured up a journalism elective out of thin air, so the word "newspaper" is doing some heavy lifting there.)

We were climbing the hill in the beat-up Ford LTD in which I would eventually learn to drive, talking about the things fathers and teenage sons talk about when the relationship is right. Which, at the time, it was.

And then Dad mentioned something to me that had been said a couple of weeks prior, and I remember and resent those words to this day.

Before I tell you what was said, you should know about the man who said it.

*****

Pastor Donald Sheley was a warm, loving man of God. In an alternate universe somewhere, he could've been a leather-helmet linebacker in the early days of the NFL. Instead, he founded Church of the Highlands in 1959 and grew it into a community of the kind of Christians we all want every Christian to be.

Though his voice thundered from the pulpit every Sunday for nearly fifty years, preaching the need for everyone to come back to the cross, he never let the doctrine of the church slip into the prosperity-gospel nonsense that has infected a large segment of American Evangelicalism today. He eventually passed the running of the church to his three sons, and when I tell you they all take after their father, I mean it as a compliment.

I haven't been back to Highlands since Pastor Don's death in 2016, but from what I understand they have survived the pandemic and come out the other side as a place Jesus would be proud of.

But for the first part of my life--certainly up until I was sixteen--the former shopping mall atop a windy, fog-bound hill was my second home, the village that raised me. And when Pastor Don spoke, you listened.

And when he said something that sounded like a prophecy, you did your darnedest to fulfill it.

*****

So when your father tells sixteen-year-old you that he was talking with Pastor Don recently, and about what the future might hold...

...and when the words you hear next--Pastor Don's words--are "Mark my words; in fifteen years, the world will know who that boy is."...

...and you look back on those words twenty-seven years later, nowhere close to having fulfilled the prophecy of one of the few Christians you still respect in this world...

...and you realize you are, in some ways, okay with it, because fame isn't something you would wish on anyone...

...but you also feel the weight of untapped potential and unmet expectations crushing your psyche...

...it's fair to wonder whether it's possible for any prophecy--even a benevolent one--to ever be a blessing.

Green Room - Week 1 - Day 7

Sep. 21st, 2026 09:07 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 The deadline to both the first prompt AND to sign up for this season is TOMORROW at 7PM ET:   therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1224892.html  and  therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1219874.html

A
s of the moment I'm typing this, there are 95 comments but 2 of those (Darlena and Fully) are tentative!  I know of at least one person who will wait until the very last second to post his intent. So that's 93, maybe 94.   IF we have over 100 contestants for the season, there will be 3 byes. If we have under that, there will be 2. 

So, drag your old Idol friends into the mix! Drag your new friends in!  Use this as an example to others that if they DON'T want to be dragged behind your car, that maybe they should just sign up!!
                                                            ***

Movies I watched this weekend (because I know you were on the edge of your seat wondering): 

Steel Magnolias - I'd somehow never saw it before. I thought that I had, because it always seemed so familiar. But there is no way that I wouldn't have remembered that movie!! (it's back in theatres because of Dolly's death) 

TEST -  This was part of the TIGLFF festival. I had to look that up, and now I'm going to look up what that actually stands for - 
Ah, that makes sense Tampa Bay International Gay & Lesbian Film Festival.   I knew it was something like that.  Three things I learned from this - (1) This movie was incredible. People should see it (2) Competitive body building makes even less sense as something people do than it did before I saw this movie  (3) TIGLFF audiences will "WOO!!!" and giggle like middle school kids at any and every sex scene.  They are equal opportunity "WOO"ers, which is nice. 

If I Go, Will They Miss Me:  Yeah. Not even sure how to describe it other than "Go see it" 

Hope - Second time seeing it. Even better on the rewatch in a lot of ways. Probably because the parts that people online were getting confused about seem to be pretty well spelled out and now that I can see how they were set up, I'm able to answer some of them!  Although they changed at least 3 words of dialogue in the translation between the sneak preview and release. It helped clarify a couple point and changed a character's direct reference to the name of the movie to an indirect one. :)  I'm sure people had thought it was cheesy, but I hadn't minded it. 

The Musical - The dedication at the very end of the credits was "To our theatre teachers - who taught us the power of spite!"  That pretty much sums up this movie. Dark. Funny. Maybe not as dark or funny as it could have gone given the subject manner. But just enough of both for me to enjoy it.  There is zero chance this movie will be in theaters next week, I'm kind of shocked it's in them at all, much less mainstream ones. 

  ***
What did YOU do this weekend?

Sidebar: Idol Notes Season 4

Sep. 21st, 2026 01:58 am
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 I like to think that I "won" the fights that came out of Season 4. That I outlasted and outperformed in every aspect those who were trying to bring Idol, and myself, down. 

But I'm not entirely sure of that.  I can't sleep at 2am thinking about what I wanted to say about something that happened in 2008/2009. I'm sure they are sleeping just fine, having not given me a second thought in well over a decade. That's not the only reason I've been having insomnia, but it certainly doesn't help that when it's running through my head! 

So I'll talk about a few more things from that season, so I can get on to Season 5, and then of course move right to Season 7.  ;) 

The Week 1 prompt is due on Tuesday: therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1224892.html
and Sign-Ups are closing the same day/time:  therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1219874.html
 

                        ***

One of the points I talked about some in Season 11, when kittenboo returned and made it to the Final 2. therealljidol.livejournal.com/1167994.html

I
'll admit to being legitimately shocked going back to that entry and realizing that what happened "a season or so ago" was actually in 2020! When I asked her if she would come back for Year 20,  she let me know that... I was going to paraphrase it, but instead I'll quote her "Plus I did everything I wanted to do with idol last time I played. It was always eating at me the way I got cut at final four the first time I played. I finally got to write my final entry, came in second, and feel really good about it. Feel really good about that whole season. Some of it’s the best writing I have ever done." 

I've mentioned how much of Season 4 became a struggle of outside forces. I may have hinted at least of the arrival of "the cool kids", who weren't that much younger than me but seemed so much cooler, and self confident in their writing abilities. (Which is both good, and bad of course depending on what you do with that. If you become convinced that no one else is AS good, or better, then it becomes an issue. We definitely had that issue in a few seasons with "cool kids")  In general though, I liked them every single time, and always wanted them to like me (Which isn't really fair, because I pretty much want everyone to like me! The worst kept Idol secret of them all!) and was always thrilled when they DID end up really embracing Idol.  <3 

Unlike in future seasons though, the Season 4 "cool kids" didn't come in from the same places. They just found each other here. Some liked each other. Some very much did not. Some liked each other for awhile before not liking each other, and the reverse was also true. It was a long season.  :D 

That is the backdrop of where I talk about the worse game design in my Idol history and one thing that leading up to it, and into the finale that has always really bugged me and I don't think I've ever outright said it. (I'm sure I've at least hinted at it though) 

If you recall, one of the complaints about LJ Idol was that it wasn't "about the writing". People just weren't taking writing seriously enough!! This really came into focus when I planned Season 5 and into Season 6, with the structure and the creation of Work Rooms.  (I'm going to fact check before I get there but I think The Killing Floor came first. But didn't really catch on in quite the same way. No idea why people didn't flock to take part in THE KILLING FLOOR! What's wrong with you people!  ;)   ) 

But it also shaped how I was talking about writing in the latter half of the season and marketing the twists. 

The final 4 was always going to be a Hell Week. The biggest ever.  The twist to that came as a result of thinking about March Madness. (This was the first season with byes, a football term, so March Madness was just continuing the sports analogy that was in my head coming into the season. )

There were 16 prompts, The 4 contestants would each write all 16, and then there were brackets of those prompts, facing off against each other. The winning entries from each bracket would then face off with the winners from another bracket. This would keep going until one of the Final 4 was eliminated. 

At the time, I thought this was interesting because there could very well be times when you were facing off against yourself! Your own writing was going head to head in a vote, which was something that had never happened before but I just really loved the concept. 

We never got to see it happen. Because the Final 4 busted their asses getting those 16 entries written and the unthinkable happened, when the votes came in kittenboo had lost every single bracket. I don't think that was a plan going in for anyone - I could very much be wrong about that - but that's not the name I heard people wanting to see eliminated, But I think once she started ending up at the bottom of the early polls that it stopped people from supporting her in later ones. 

Like I said, it was really bad game design on my part. I hadn't planned for that sort of thing to happen, if anything, I thought the multiple polls might make it LESS likely that someone would come in to try to cause issues, because it would just be too much work, but given everything that had been happening all season, I really should have. 

I've had Hell Weeks that have been just as big as that one, but since then I've never tried to incorporate the bracket system. 

   ***

The answer to the obvious question of "If you had heard people wanted to eliminate someone, who was it? And why?"  I should note that it was less of "Want to eliminate" and far more of "We don't want her to win!"  There were also a lot of people who DID want her to win. But, as noted before, I tend to focus on the negative responses.  *shrug* 

That contestant was tulip_in_yellow. She was my friend and one of the greatest regrets of my time in LJ Idol. 

She didn't start out as a friend. She was a complete stranger and one of those "cool kids" I talked about earlier. When things started getting crazy though, she was one of the few who reached out to check on me. (Like I said, my phone number and address were pretty public in those days, I can;'t recall if she emailed first - probably - but it wasn't long before we were talking on the phone.) 

She was never shy with an opinion and definitely ended up rubbing some people the wrong way and was pretty much Target #1 from what I later heard, for the next time there was a contestant only vote. The next time there was a contestant only vote turned out to be at the Top 50. The last time to use your bye was at the Top 50. I'd been telling people for weeks about the idea that if they saved a bye until that point, they were guaranteeing themselves a spot in the Top 50. I wasn't saying "and avoid the contestant only vote" because I was the only one who knew that was coming!  Several people were apparently paying attention and used their bye at that vote. She was among them.  But because she was the person people knew was my friend (it wasn't a secret that we were talking. Again, Season 3 had been my first season where nearly everyone wasn't already my friend!) 

I didn't hear about it for awhile, because she didn't want me to know - and apparently other people felt the same way. (on both sides) but the rumor was (1) that I had told her about the contestant only vote so she would survive it. This later became "was cheating to keep her in"  in other votes and, of course (2) Gary has a crush on her which is why he's doing this. 

Let's deal with these in order:  No. I didn't tell her in advance. As I said, I'd been telling EVERYONE in the Green Rooms and anyone who even vaguely approached me asking about what the rules were for byes is that they expired at the Top 50. The Top 50 was a big number. It's not exactly rocket science to assume that I had something big planned for that time and react accordingly. So anyone who was paying attention to me and what I was saying would have known something big was happening there. That said, she was probably paying closer attention to things that I said than other people, because as friends she seemed to actually care about things I was saying. (in general, not just in Idol) That makes a huge difference. 

The "Gary is cheating" has always confused me. Like fundamentally confused me. Because if someone LEGITIMATELY thought that was happening, why would they stay here?  If the game were rigged, why bother?  If I was putting my thumb oh the scale in favor of someone, WHY would I be bothering to put in all that time and effort I was spending on putting the season together and keeping it going under extremely stressful circumstances?  I wish I could say that it was the groups from the outside saying these things - and maybe they were saying it, but when I started hearing about it, it was from contestants. Which really hurt.  Remember, I had purposefully taken AWAY my direct influence and vote in Season 3. I tried, and have continued to try to make things as fair and even handed as I could. But emotion isn't always logical, and sometimes the "things aren't going my way because it's just not fair!" becomes the easier answer. I could literally make any rule I wanted to, set things up any way I wanted, I wouldn't HAVE to cheat. I could just one day say the rule was "I pick who the winner is" and that would be the rule.  But apparently I was slamming my head against a wall every single week, to somehow get her to the finale... which was also incredibly weird given what a talented writer and storyteller she was. (I assume still is, but I have no idea) So it was insulting to both of us, and really to anyone taking part in Idol at that time. 

It was a few months ago, as I was preparing for this season and talking to a really good friend of mine who ISN'T playing for exactly the reasons why Tulip_in_Yellow got slammed. (She knows the story and doesn't want a repeat) that it did occur to me that there IS a chance that our friendship gave her an edge that had never occurred to me. She knew my schedule. My actual life schedule. Which means she would know where it was more likely to be something that I needed to be more hands on for. It's not a huge advantage, but it is one that I hadn't previously thought about. I knew I hadn't told her or hinted more than I had in the Green Room (the vast majority of our chats had very little to do with Idol actually.) 

Now the more difficult question for me to answer: Did Gary have a crush on her? 

If you asked me then I would have said "Absolutely not".  I understand myself a little better now and know that my crushes tend to be more of the "She's so neat!!!" variety and much less of the "I'm interested in her" kind. Most of the women I know fall under "crush" on some level, because I tend to know a lot of interesting people.  With that in mind, I have to change my answer to "probably".  Considering how many of our conversations had to do with her romantic life and adventures she was going on though, we were extremely incompatible in that way even if either of us was vaguely interested, which I never got the impression that was the case. She was that friend you hear the crazy weekend stories from, the ones you would NEVER do yourself, but man it's pretty exciting to live them vicariously. 

Our friendship ended not long after the season with a bit of an explosion after she lost. I've gone to a couple different places in my head over the years with this one. But the actual conversation that ended things was all the shit she had been through as a result, and that she was looking for her friend to "Yeah, Idol sucks!", which any normal friend would do. But I couldn't, and still can not do. Because the winner is the person who deserved to win. I believed that then. I believe that now. She needed her friend in that moment and I could not turn off BEING LJ Idol, we're attached. It's part of me and I'm part of it. 

There's been a part that wondered maybe, on some level, she really DID think I was protecting her and helping her win. Which was why she was upset when she didn't. I hope that's not true. Or that she was "using me" in hopes I would give her an advantage. But I can't imagine talking to someone THAT much and opening up and sharing that much of your life to someone, just to win an online competition where the only tangible prize was an icon! 

She told me to never contact her again.  I broke that rule twice - sending her an invite to the "final" season and one to this one. Because a lot of time has passed and even if she hates me,  maybe she no longer hates Idol. She has never responded, so maybe she does or at least is "over" it. 
This season actually prompted me to break a couple "don't contact me again" orders. Because people don't have to like me for Idol to like them or for me to be a fan of their work. 


But I really miss my friend - and regretted putting someone in that position where they were open to attack. I'd make more friends over the years. (It would take a couple seasons, but I made them). I always kept them at arms length though, and this is why.  People I legitimately care about actually have it tougher in idol because, in the context of the game, I treat them like the same dirty, smelly hippy as everyone else - but end up with a bigger target for anyone who thinks they have an advantage. (which, in practice means they actually have a huge disadvantage being associated with me!) 



 

LJ Idol - Week 1 - Open Topic

Sep. 20th, 2026 08:49 pm
ofearthandstars: A single tree underneath the stars (Default)
[personal profile] ofearthandstars
This is an entry for Week 1 of [community profile] therealljidol. If you're interested in playing along, the sign-up sheet remains open here until Tuesday, September 22nd at 7 pm ET.


The ocean lapped lazily beneath the barge, a quiet hum singing underneath its aging hull. The first rays of sunlight began to stretch over the horizon, illuminating the piles of rubbish in the soft blues of dawn. CORI scanned the data from their optical and audio sensors carefully as they came online, ignoring the blaring illumination of their battery indicator, and vaguely wondered if today they might encounter a bird, a spot of green, or at least something new to look at.

Gradually the sun’s rays glittered across the waves and CORI’s solar array, and they waited while electrons began to slowly filter into their neural network. Eventually, they turned to scan the piles of scrap tires, twisted metal, dead electronics, and plastics while cautiously testing their actuators. As the sun rose and their energy levels moved out of critical, they pushed themselves upright, ignoring the assortment of alarms flashing across their optical display. Weatherized or not, the crusts of salt and oxidation were beginning to take their toll. Still, there were tasks to be done before the heat of the day and the next storms.

CORI approached the side of the freighter and carefully peered into the waves. The usual detritus, decomposed seagrass, bleached shells, and dead coral floated by. The water seemed to be somehow both dull and slick, its surface mottled with layers of grease and oils, clumps of rot and debris interspersed with reflecting iridescent rainbows.

They had a memory file, safely buried beneath their standard survival programs, of a time when the sea had been bombarded by gulls and migrating birds, and the waves rich with the eyes and mouths of underwater creatures. That was when the ocean and the land had brimmed with life. Currently - based on the limited reach of their compromised sensors - they were surrounded by water largely devoid of it.

CORI sighed and made their way below deck, crawling around the piles of dilapidated cargo and trash. The daily storms had long ago teased apart any sense of order, and with no engine, CORI and the barge were left to the wind and waves. 

Peeking into the shadows of the hull, CORI’s standard featureless face flexed a grimace as they took in the smaller bot, which had collapsed and folded in on itself after exhausting its energy reserves during the prior night’s storm. CORI lifted the pint-sized bot with sluggish arms, dragging it up the steps and gently unfolding it across a pile of plastic recyclables to expose its solar pack to the morning sun.

CORI sat and watched the empty ocean and the emptier sky while waiting, estimating probabilities, until the smaller bot’s eyes slowly twitched and swirled into a glowing expression of recognition.

“We survived?” the smaller bot asked, her childlike voice warbly as she clenched and unclenched a tiny fist in evaluation.

“Affirmative,” CORI nodded. “Surprisingly. My last wind measurements had gusts at 95 knots.”

“So not the worst storm?”

“We did not capsize.”

“Have you detected anything?”

CORI contemplated the question. “I have detected several things. The wind speed is 10 knots, the water temperature is 43.33 Celsius, the air temperature is—”

“Not that,” the smaller bot snapped in disappointment, waving her tiny fists around in circles and flexing her fan-like feet as she began to recharge.

CORI remained silent.

“I thought you said we were getting close?” she accused. “That there was dust in the collectors?”

“Unknown. The storm wiped away any data. I was in energy-saving mode, so I lack the astronomical data for accurate navigation.”

The smaller bot’s face took on a strange appearance, the folded hinge of her eyebrows raising and lowering in thought, her eyes swirling and glimmering in intensity. “You’re really bad at conversation,” she said.

CORI looked at her, puzzling her words and what purpose she may have served in the past. She was too small for most manual work, and had rudimentary subroutines unable to support any serious data analysis. Her face and eyes were wide, and she had the unusual feature of fine bright blue synthetic fibers that sprouted from the top of her blocky, oversized head and waved wildly around her silicone-softened features.

The little bot shoved herself to sitting, eyebrows approximating a scowl. “Do you think we will actually make it there?”

“Unknown. I can neither confirm nor deny we will make it there.”

At this the small bot lowered her head and stared at her legs – two short shanks, a faded hot pink, missing the proper joints for knees, as if her need to ambulate were an afterthought.

“But is it even real?” the small bot said, her voice hollow and distant.

“Unknown. I can neither confirm nor deny –“

“Never mind,” the little bot sighed and slammed her short legs against the pile beneath her, skittering plastic containers across the metal deck. Again CORI wondered where the bot had picked up her mannerisms.

“It was once real, or at least, once a real possibility,” CORI offered in conciliation.

“So there could still be a Center running out there? With energy? With others like us, or like them? Like before?”

“Not like before—before, there were energy outages. And there was talk the Centers would move to renewable energy. They had the technology – sand batteries and solar cells. Hydro. Wind. Thermal. Anything now would be decentralized. Less connected. Maybe not always online.” CORI paused. “Based on my memory, it seems they had the knowledge and knew the risks. It seems likely that some of them prepared.”

Here CORI grew silent, accessing other buried bits of memory. A single tree, growing on top of a rock in the midst of crumbling asphalt. The flash of an organic face and arms, freckled, reaching up to the sky. A grin, apparent even from behind a black scarf, the air smoky. Green and blue paint. A protest. A poster. KEEP HOPE ALIVE.

“Then why did they let it happen?” the little bot asked quietly as she stared across the waves.

CORI did not answer. They had more immediate problems. CORI knew what the little bot did not have the background data to know – if they continued much longer in the midst of the ocean on this heap of already scavenged trash, they would both become a pile of rusted parts. That is, if the ocean and its storms did not claim them first. But CORI did not share this information. The little bot already had enough strange moods.

CORI and the little bot sat quietly for a few more moments before rising for their daily chore. The sun continued its slow arc as they rummaged through the piles —shaking saltwater from containers, sifting molded cardboard, and ripping apart long-dead electronics. CORI watched the small bot dump a box of slim, oblong handhelds, a gleam in her eyes as she took in the tiny symbols of fruit embossed on their colorful cases. The gleam dimmed once she realized the internals were corroded.

Eventually, CORI’s internal display picked up on a series of unusual inputs, and they turned their optical sensors towards the northwest. On the distant horizon, small sunbursts of light flickered in and out like monotone fireworks. CORI tried to parse the data they were receiving, but their display was caked in salt and foam.

“LOOK! LOOK!” the little bot exclaimed, at a much higher volume than was required for a lifeless barge in the middle of a mostly-dead ocean with only two bots.

The horizon shifted as they drifted, the sleek edge of the ocean growing fuzzy as it danced with intermittent flashes of light. The sun was beating down over them, and CORI’s sensors were lighting up with temperature spikes.

“We don’t know what it is yet,” CORI said. “We should keep working.”

But the little bot, unable to stay assigned to her task, stamped around on her blocky shanks along the low wall of the barge, her blue synthetic fibers waving in the gathering wind.

“Is that it?” the little bot shrieked, practically jumping up and down.

CORI turned towards the horizon, focusing their optical display to max resolution. The ocean had swollen to cover much of the coast – further inland than any of them had anticipated. The weather patterns had become erratic, parts of the planet growing unusually cold while others became new heat extremes. And there was the endless array of storms and wind. Tipping points, CORI recalled. And with that, the resource wars, the chemicals, the collapse of grids, and species.

The ocean had swallowed a refinery, its landscape of former towers and columns long twisted by war and wind and waves. From the tangled wreckage hung bits of random metal flashing, like long-forgotten bits of glitter, swaying and reflecting, and among them, a large and ragged green flag, boasting a long-forgotten symbol of a circle and an hourglass.

“LOOK! LOOK!” The little bot continued to yell excitedly and turn in jerky circles, wasting energy in a way that made CORI want to grind gears.

“It’s only remnants,” CORI stated flatly. “It could have been there for ages. I don’t see any signs of –“

The little bot turned and stamped indignantly. Her eyes glimmered and glowered and swirled. Her message was clear.

CORI sent a quick refresh signal to their optical sensors. There were no detectable signs of life. But behind the towers the sun reflected on a distant hill, where a tiny row of skewed solar panels were upturned and sparkling through the ruin. If CORI had not looked closer, they might have missed them.

“It’s HOPE,” the little bot informed CORI loudly, raising her tiny fists to the sky. She twirled and emitted a jaunty sing-song melody that CORI didn’t recognize but didn’t object to.

CORI looked at the little dancing bot, the broken refinery, the distant field of light, and the dark rainbows still dancing in the ocean around them.

They were not entirely sure it was HOPE, or even if HOPE was able to be kept alive, but they admitted it was, at the very least, something new to look at.

adpazd: (Default)
[personal profile] adpazd
It was a very quiet night. I’d been there for a few days, helping my sister take care of my mom. After a very short hospital stay, Mom had come home on hospice. Her kidneys had shut down and, at 73, was not a candidate for a transplant. So we knew it wouldn’t be long. I’d just been up for a visit, but I didn’t hesitate to drive back up. I hadn’t been able to, mentally, be at my dad’s side when he passed. If I could help my sister by being at my mom’s, I would do it.

In the few days I’d been there, I saw quite a bit of family. My uncle. My cousins. My aunt who was also my mom’s best friend. They all wanted to have their chance to say good-bye to “Aunt P”. Sometimes Mom would be awake. More often, she’d be sleeping. I watched my step-father talk to her and kiss her forehead with tears in his eyes. I watched my sister smooth out the blanket. I pointed out to her every time I saw one of her hummingbirds at the feeder outside her window. And I talked to her.

Never about anything deep but always from the heart. At one point, I told her that I loved her.

“I love you more” was her reply.

“No you don’t,” I shot back. The look in her eyes when I said it was total and complete incredulity. “Neither one of us loves each other more. We both love each other the same. With all our hearts.”

I only had to fight back tears once. My step-father, my sister and I all stood around her bed. She was sleeping, like she’d been doing a lot. The nurse was there, telling us that she didn’t think it would be much longer at all. I had been stroking her hair, just being with her. But at that point, I had to step away so no one else would see my tears. I don’t know why, but it really hit me right then that the woman that gave birth to me, the woman I’d had a complicated relationship with my whole life but never once doubted that she loved me, was going to be gone soon. And I realized how much that thought hurt.

Many times over those days, I whispered to her that it was ok to let go. That we didn’t want her in pain anymore. That she didn’t need to worry about any of us, we’d take care of each other. I just kept reminding her that I didn’t want to lose her, but all of us would be ok.

The nurse had stopped by on that last day. She suggested we give her pain meds along with the other meds that she had, basically giving her something every two hours. She slept most of that time while my sister, my step-dad and I talked. I told my sister that I would take the night shift. She was going to try to work the next day. She deserved a good night’s rest. She had done so much.

Around 2200, it was just mom and I. My sister had gone home next door. My step-dad had gone to bed. I sat on the loveseat next to her hospital bed, just browsing through my phone. I can’t remember anything specific that I read or played. I was marking time between giving her her meds while listening to the sounds of night in the country and her rattled breathing. I’d set an alarm on my phone, set to vibrate so it wouldn’t disturb my mom. With all of the emotions running through me over the previous couple of days, I knew that I’d drop off and I wanted to make sure not to miss any of her meds.

It was around 330 that I finally nodded off. The vibration of my phone startled me awake. The silence was almost deafening. It was the first time in about 18 hours that no sound was coming from the hospital bed next to me. Even though I knew better, I went over to shake her. I could have been wrong. But I wasn’t. My mom was gone.

I called my sister so she could contact who she needed to. I woke up my step-dad. I called my husband and messaged Partner J. The three of us just kind of talked while we waited for the nurse. I don’t remember what about - probably the logistics of what we would need to do next. It was almost surreal, speaking so casually next to my mother’s body, no tears from any of us. I can’t speak for my sister or my step-dad, but I was relieved that she wasn’t hurting anymore. I had watched my dad dying for over six months. I didn’t want that for her, my sister or my step-dad. I waited with my family for the nurse, and then for the funeral home. And then she was well and truly gone.

Over the next several days, we dove into minutia. We wrote her obituary. We went through her clothes, some to come with me, some to donate. We planned her memorial service for later that month. We told those who needed to know. And for the first time in well over a year, I posted on Facebook. I wanted to get her obituary out there and let anyone who hadn’t heard otherwise know that she was gone.

I left to come back home the following Friday. There really wasn’t a lot for me to do and I knew that my husband and kids would want to be at the memorial. When we were going through Mom’s things, we found items that we wanted to memorialize, including her favorite shirt. I told my sister I’d make a shadowbox out of them. I also ordered the small urns so I could have some of her ashes.

Today, my sister has the shadowbox and the large urn. I have one of the small urns I purchased with my mom’s ashes inside. I’ll be traveling back up this spring when we bury her ashes in her grave plot. And I hope that, at that time, I will be wearing some of her ashes in the resin hummingbird necklace that I want to make so I always have a bit of her with me.

A shadow box I made after my mom's death

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